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May 29, 2020

There I am.

In those family pictures.

The ones I’ve bowed out of for so long. Too long.

But there I am now.

On the big screen, as my family decides to Airplay our pictures from the great moments and memories of the past month.

I hesitate as the kids point and laugh at their siblings’ priceless facial expressions while they unwrap presents.

I only notice one thing.

A forty-something year old me, standing on the side of the screen in all her glory. 

I see every pound of her.

“Do I really look like that?”

Because when those pictures were taken I felt gorgeous. I felt beautiful in my new clothes, sparkling accessories, and pretty lipstick.

But what I see on the screen is me out of my head and in the world.

And then I stop.

“No, not today!”

“I am not that person anymore,” I think.

I am still the woman on the screen. But I am not the person who will be her worst critic.

Reality is not lost on me. I know that I am a plus-sized woman.

But I have not practiced positive self-talk, gratitude journaling, and healing to go back to being the woman who gave the snarkiest, meanest comments in the room.

So I breathe long and deep. Exhale.

And I smile.

“Yes, that’s me.”

Imperfect for sure, but surrounded by children and love.

Being a part of the memories that they will remember and treasure.

Because that woman on the screen is hugging her children lovingly. And she’s smiling. 

That smile is the product of a lot of work of healing and growth.

I will not deprive her of the joy she deserves. The joy I deserve.

So I smile too. 

Letting negativity pass like an unpleasant moment, and giving myself the permission to happily accept myself for who I am.

I look at the screen, and acknowledge… 
“There I am”.

-Tumkeen, Writer

Image may contain: one or more people, ocean, water and outdoor

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