There I am.
In those family pictures.
The ones I’ve bowed out of for so long. Too long.
But there I am now.
On the big screen, as my family decides to Airplay our pictures from the great moments and memories of the past month.
I hesitate as the kids point and laugh at their siblings’ priceless facial expressions while they unwrap presents.
I only notice one thing.
A forty-something year old me, standing on the side of the screen in all her glory.
I see every pound of her.
“Do I really look like that?”
Because when those pictures were taken I felt gorgeous. I felt beautiful in my new clothes, sparkling accessories, and pretty lipstick.
But what I see on the screen is me out of my head and in the world.
And then I stop.
“No, not today!”
“I am not that person anymore,” I think.
I am still the woman on the screen. But I am not the person who will be her worst critic.
Reality is not lost on me. I know that I am a plus-sized woman.
But I have not practiced positive self-talk, gratitude journaling, and healing to go back to being the woman who gave the snarkiest, meanest comments in the room.
So I breathe long and deep. Exhale.
And I smile.
“Yes, that’s me.”
Imperfect for sure, but surrounded by children and love.
Being a part of the memories that they will remember and treasure.
Because that woman on the screen is hugging her children lovingly. And she’s smiling.
That smile is the product of a lot of work of healing and growth.
I will not deprive her of the joy she deserves. The joy I deserve.
So I smile too.
Letting negativity pass like an unpleasant moment, and giving myself the permission to happily accept myself for who I am.
I look at the screen, and acknowledge…
“There I am”.
-Tumkeen, Writer
Tumkeen, Writer+Poet 